Starting at 3p.m., EST, we'll kick off the LiveBlog and the mocking of Ape and Leitch will begin. Bring drinks, bring friends, and bring the funny as we celebrate the end of another painful NFL season.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Non-KSK Blogkkake part two!
Sorry about that epic fail, I'm awful with technology. I can barely work my iPod. LET'S GET IT (BACK) ON.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Puple Jesus vs. Real (Fake) Jesus: A Closer Look
In the beginning God created man. 2008 years later, two contenders emerged to battle for the title of Greatest Person Ever. Fighting on behalf of real people: Adrian Peterson. Fighting on behalf of fairy tales: Jesus Christ. Let's take a look at their qualifications and then you can decide for yourself who the real messiah is.
Adrian Peterson was born on March 21, 1985 in Palestine, Texas. Jesus Christ was born never.
Peterson is a Christian. Christ is a Jew (weird, right? Not even Christ believed in Christ).
Adrian Peterson, as far as we know, is immortal. Christ died twice.
On the other hand, Peterson's father spent 20 years in jail. However, Christ's mother was a whore with the most gullible husband in the world. Virgin. Sure.
Christ could walk on water. Peterson is averaging over 100 rushing yards per game throughout his entire career and, in his rookie year, broke the all time record for rushing yards in a game. If Purple Jesus had a god damn quarterback that could pose as some kind of passing threat, he would rush for 3,000 yards in a season. I mean fuck, I'd settle for fucking JP Losman at this point. MEMO TO THE VIKINGS FRONT OFFICE: BERNARD BERRIAN IS USELESS IF YOU HAVE NO ONE TO FUCKING THROW TO HIM.
Ok, where was I?
Adrian Peterson has a child. Christ, as far as I can tell, was sterile.
Peterson attended the University of Oklahoma. Christ didn't get a high school diploma.
I think I've made my point. See you in hell, Brett Favre.
Adrian Peterson was born on March 21, 1985 in Palestine, Texas. Jesus Christ was born never.
Peterson is a Christian. Christ is a Jew (weird, right? Not even Christ believed in Christ).
Adrian Peterson, as far as we know, is immortal. Christ died twice.
On the other hand, Peterson's father spent 20 years in jail. However, Christ's mother was a whore with the most gullible husband in the world. Virgin. Sure.
Christ could walk on water. Peterson is averaging over 100 rushing yards per game throughout his entire career and, in his rookie year, broke the all time record for rushing yards in a game. If Purple Jesus had a god damn quarterback that could pose as some kind of passing threat, he would rush for 3,000 yards in a season. I mean fuck, I'd settle for fucking JP Losman at this point. MEMO TO THE VIKINGS FRONT OFFICE: BERNARD BERRIAN IS USELESS IF YOU HAVE NO ONE TO FUCKING THROW TO HIM.
Ok, where was I?
Adrian Peterson has a child. Christ, as far as I can tell, was sterile.
Peterson attended the University of Oklahoma. Christ didn't get a high school diploma.
I think I've made my point. See you in hell, Brett Favre.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Fuck Chicago
Well, the Bears played the Packers in Green Bay on Monday night to try to keep their playoff hopes alive, and keep them alive they did. I thought I had the perfect plan to guarantee that the night would be a win-win for me. I hedged my bets and booked the Bears at -4. That way if they won the game they would almost surely cover the spread and I'd win 40 dollars and if they lost the game then I'd win the much grander prize in the form of a playoff berth for my Vikings. It was the perfect plan.Final Score: 20-17, Chicago, resulting in Chicago staying alive in the playoff chase while simultaneously losing me the bet. What a fucking joke. Fuck the Bears. Fuck Robbie Gould. Fuck Brian Urlacher. Fuck Kyle Orton. Fuck Kyle Orton's neck beard. Fuck Lovie Smith. Fuck Mike Ditka. Fuck anyone from Chicago (including Barack Obama). Fuck the guy who set the spread at -4. Fuck guys who set spreads, period (no homo). Fuck overtime. Fuck this game. Fuck you, and fuck my life sideways with a Power Rangers lunchbox.
Seriously, do it. Just jam it right into me. It would feel better than watching the sure choke-job the purple warriors are going to pull off next week. Being a Vikings fan is the highest form of self-hatred.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Northside
I feel like Mort Goldman, the redheaded pharmacist from Family Guy. Whenever the tiniest thing goes wrong it's the end of the world. Last night, while I was without internet or television, the Vikings lost, keeping the Bears' playoff hopes alive. The bad news was delivered to me by my friend, an avid Bears fan and less than avid Jew.
Realistically, the Vikings will still probably make the playoffs, and they still control their own fate, but Jesus Christ, how hard is it to clinch the laughable NFC North by week 16? Hell, they make the AFC West look good.
For fuck's sake, the best QB in the division is lifetime clipboard-jockey Aaron Rodgers. For all the mocking I've done of Rex Grossman, he's sitting on the bench in Chicago and I'd give Lance Armstrong's only nut to have him wearing purple. Hell, he's already thrown enough ill-advised deep passes to Bernard Berrian that he could have won us the division by week 12 on muscle memory alone.
So all the Patron Saint has to do is lead the NFL in rushing for the second straight year and then MAYBE he can get into the playoffs? Meanwhile LenDale White can eat a bucket of chicken in the huddle and he gets a bye and homefield throughout. What the fuck is that about?
God, if you're listening, even though I may not believe in you, can you show your boy Adrian Peterson the slightest bit of love? Or at least smite Devin Hester for the next two weeks. By the way, genius move by Lovie Smith. How can a team be in playoff contention when they don't let the greatest kick-returner of all time return fucking kicks. Way to psych out the opposition you fucking retard. I have to go throw up.
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